It’s always the small things we take for granted. The things right in front of us that seem almost negligible, until they become distant memories, only to be awoken at a different time and place.. and we’re left wondering, “Wow, how deeply I wish to experience that (thing, person, moment) just once more.”
Relocating and becoming a mother are by far the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. They’ve both strengthened me and weakened me and I often find myself needing to catch up to my own life. I sometimes feel like I am stuck at a different time and place and to a different identity that I became so comfortable with back “home.” Home itself is an interesting concept. It’s in these precious few moments when my little one sleeps when I have time to reflect like I once did for hours on end. I reflect and think about the enormity of the blessings I’ve been given, alongside the weight of these blessings .. the demands of these blessings .. and just how much I used to take for granted.
I talk to my family often, but if I think about them for more than a second, I can’t help but burst into tears. I miss them beyond any expression of worldly love. And again, it’s the small things. Abbu’s gentle look of love and concern, the times when he would put extra food on my plate knowing I tend to eat less, Ammi’s warm embrace, Ayesha’s loyal and heartfelt expressions of constant love, car rides with Aminah’s animated sounds, Friday night laughs with Anaam and khala, my family’s genuine feeling of being proud of me and valuing me.
Moving meant not only to leave all of this love for a new love and a new home, but also a willingness to redefine and re-establish my sense of self. Motherhood both enhanced and slowed down that process for me. On the one hand, I was extremely committed to my motherhood journey while starting my side business with the unwavering support of my husband; but on the other hand, I felt/feel like I my internal goals and hopes cannot keep up with the mixture of utter joy and overwhelming exhaustion of motherhood. Time and again, Allah (swa) puts me in situations that force me to be patient and to accept the seasons of my life. The last several months have been “winter” for me, but my spring is coming soon inshaAllah. Our lives are merely pendulating between openness and constriction.
Till next time,
I have a real soft spot for Urdu naats .. especially since they’ll always be part of my memories of Ayesha and I riding together, contently existing in each other’s silence.
Is karam ka karu shur kaise ada
Joh karam mujh pe mere nabi ne kiya
Mai saja ta hu sarkar ki mehfile
Mujh ko har gam se rab ne bari kar diya
Zikre sarkar ki hai bari barkate
Mil gayi mujh ko sab azmate nehmate
Mai gunah gar tha beamal tha, magar
Mustafa ne mujhe jannati kar diya
Lamha lamha hai mujh par nabi ki aata
Dosto aur mangu mai Maula se kya
Kya yeh kam hai ke mere khuda ne mujhe
Apne mehboob ka ummati kar diya
Joh Dar e Mustafa ke ghada ho gaye
Dekhte dekhte kya se kya ho gaye
Aisi chasme karam ki hai sarkar ne
Mujh gada ko sakhi ne sakhi kar diya
Koi muyus lauta na darbar se
Joh bhi manga mila mere sarkar se
Sadqe jau niyazi mai lajpal ke
Dono aalam me mujh ko sakhi kar diya
One of Sh. Budair’s final du’as this Ramadan in Masjid An Nabawi. May Allah (swa) heal this Ummah and make us people of real conviction and change. There isn’t a single person who isn’t worried about what tomorrow will bring seeing as the last few months have been filled with difficult news from many corners of the world. May Allah swa help us in becoming His true ibaad – people of real taqwa and ikhlas, and accept our actions by making them heavy on our scales, Ameen.
Praying everyone has a wonderful Eid tomorrow with friends, family, and lots of shukr.
وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدٌ
[Surah Ibrahim: Ayah 7]
In this month of the Qur’an, I wanted to share this excellent list of brief lessons we can take away as action items from Allah’s kalaam. To make it a reflective exercise, it may be helpful to highlight or make note of any particular areas where we need to make improvements, which helps with making more meaningful istighfar and making real changes in the future inshaAllah.
1. Respect and honor all human beings irrespective of their religion, colour, race, background, language, status, property, birth, profession/job and so on [17/70]
2. Talk straight, to the point, without any ambiguity or deception [33/70]
3. Choose the best words to speak and say them in the best possible way [17/53, 2/83]
4. Do not shout. Speak politely keeping your voice low. [31/19]
5. Always speak the truth. Shun words that are deceitful and ostentatious [22/30]
6. Do not confound truth with falsehood [2/42]
7. Say with your mouth what is in your heart [3/167]
Every masjid I’ve attended in my area for the last 20 some years has it’s own special place in my heart. With the number of options in our area alhumdulillah, I’ve always felt like I could go to any masjid and find my place. They each have their unique memories attached to them and I figured it would be nice to reflect on a few.. :) Continue reading
- Saying and internalizing Allahu Akbar is by far the greatest source of calmness. Breathe and say Allahu Akbar with full conviction.
- Saturday School kiddos are doing awesome. MashaAllah. So proud of them. I’m noticing positive changes in them each week and really believe they are a promising group. We’ve almost covered our diseases of the heart series. So far, we’ve finished hubb-ad-dunya, hasad, bukhl, ghaflah, gheebah, riyaa, displeasure with qadr, anger, lack of haya, and antipathy towards death. With each, we’ve gone through causes, symptoms, cures / positive opposites. They did pretty well on their oral du’as test too. :) Definitely on their way to earning their Madden tournament.
- I recently came across this incident and found many points of benefit in how Rasulullah (saw) responded to a young man who had tried to mock the adhaan. Given the seriousness of the man’s offense, one would imagine a strong or vocal response but instead, Rasulullah (saw) used this as an opportunity to respond in the most dignified and respectful manner: He, salallahu ‘alayhi wasallam:
- Spoke to him individually
- He was firm but gentle
- Did not get angry with him
- Verified who was responsible for the behavior
- Gave him a gift
- Taught him the words of the adhaan
- Appointed him to the position of a muadhin, which made him value the very thing he once mocked.
- Modeled the appropriate behavior by having him repeat the words after him.
- I’m tempted to write a full post about the lessons from the narration and how to apply them with behavior change and classroom management.. inshaAllah another time.
- I pray Allah is lenient in judging the wudhu made from automated water faucets.
- Videos of Sumayyah are getting me through these long weeks. <3 “Kwinkle Kwinkle Wittle Star” lol
- Happy distractions are an understated blessing. :)
- 19 days!
- This quote has been on my mind for a few weeks now since Abbu mentioned it: “Jamhooriat wo tarz-e-hakoomat ha k jis mein Bandon ko gina jata ha, tola nahin jata…” – Allama Iqbal. Imagine a society where the people of true intellect, taqwa, and guidance were given the honor and trust of selecting the leadership of their area; where the weight of someone’s vote and opinion mattered based on their wisdom and insights to help facilitate the best interest of society at large. Lots to think about with this concept.
- Tea and conversations with the one and only Albani are always, always a good idea. I feel totally uplifted and illuminated every time we talk. MashaAllah, she embodies a type of sincerity and special kind of essence and wisdom that can only be a gift from Allah (swa). “Allah directing you to something greater, and instilling passion within you is indicative of special Tawfiq. Don’t let it burn out”. – Sarah <3
- Debating whether to judge for MIST this year or not. yes? no? we’ll see. Glad it’s in April this year and a different campus.
- Amazing how so much of our life takes place within our own minds..
P.S.: I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I last wrote a Seeds post. It was supposed to be a weekly or at least monthly compilation of random musings. Time flies..