My head’s been in the clouds lately, not sure why. I’ve got a lot going on but I think my way of dealing with it all is just to not deal with it. ..not a very good strategy. So anyway, I’ve been thinking about internal dialogues. You know those thoughts that go through your head every waking moment of your life…but they’re never verbalized? Yea, those. Sometimes, we’re going through a conversation or planning ahead, and other times we’re reacting to the people and experiences around us. Lately however, I’ve been scolding myself internally for various things. It’s weird, almost as if there’s a mini-me dictating every second of my life. It’s making me overly critical of myself and while it’s a good way to engage in self-assessment, having thoughts like that all the time (as in, when I’m not talking to someone else or engaged in work) can be quite exhausting. Everyone wants to come off as confident and well aware of themselves and that’s only possible if your internal dialogue is generally positive. But I don’t think that’s the case, unless you’re really sure of yourself or arrogant. Most of the time, I think the words and phrases that go through our heads are less positive, just because that’s our real, latent self. No one’s perfect. I also wonder how much of our real self is manifest to the people around us.Can we ever really be ourselves? Can someone really, truly know who we are or how we think? I don’t know. This is kind of a stretch but I think memories and our recollection of bits and pieces of our past are actually changed over time to ‘fit’ in our sense of who we are. Those things probably never get verbalized unless someone notices a difference in their recollection of the same memory we have. What I’m trying to get at here is that we have all these different facets of ourselves and for the most part, we try to be a specific type of person, or show/convince others that we are indeed that type of person but only we know what’s inside of us. Reminds me of the hadith when Rasulullah (Salallahu Alayhi Wasallam) pointed to his chest and said that “Taqwa is here”. It’s amazing how the only one aware of all these internal dialogues and dichotomies within us is Allah. In the Qur’an, Allah says again and again that on the Last Day, everyone will see how they spent every second of their life and all that’s inside of us will be exposed. Any bit of kibr or hatred we had in our heart, or any wrong thoughts we had. It’s pretty crazy if you think about it. Just as an experiment, try and say everything you’re thinking out loud (it’s almost impossible but just try). I did this once on my way to school and it was amazing how many of those thoughts were so negative. In about 20 minutes, I had pretty much said anything and everything that’s wrong with me. There were soooo many inconsistencies between who I was on the outside and how many problems I was facing internally. I want to tell myself that this is natural but I think it’s just as importnat to ackhnowledge these inconsistencies and focus on them one by one. How to go about doing that? I’m not so sure. Maybe I can try and record these thoughts as they come to me but I think too fast to do that. hmm…I think I’ll explore this more over the summer or something. I leave you with this….
“I am three persons; the person people think I am, the person I think I am, and the person Allah (subhanahu wat’ala) KNOWS I am…”
p.s.: I might expand on this later, this was just a brain dump. :p ..and I don’t mean to say that people are lying to the world or anything, I just think it’s interesting how we keep many of our internal thoughts to ourselves. Also, I realize that some of our thoughts are influenced by Shaytan’s waswasa but I’ll get into that later iA.